Anto Chan is a queer HK Chinese-Canadian spoken word performance artist, writer, facilitator, entrepreneur, producer, and caregiver. He performed his one-person show Love So Far at the Montréal Fringe Festival in 2019. He currently co-curates and hosts the variety show FreeFlow Showcase, and his poetry chapbook Romantic Reflections was released in 2020. He is passionate about mentoring the next generation of artists to overcome personal obstacles, leading to sharing their stories authentically. His life’s work is to create and support meaningful art that centres around the journey of growth, self-love, and healing intergenerational trauma. He recently started studying Expressive Art Therapy with Create Institute.
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The unfolding of self-discovery has been a lifetime of feeling as if I’m not enough. Consistently pleasing my family’s views on sacrifice and big-picture living, left me disconnected from my reality and identity. Only this past year have I fully accepted my queerness, including it in my writing, my stories and sharing with friends/some family. The deep joy that has come from stepping into my full self has been immeasurable, and this poem was a checkpoint in this ever-expanding experience.
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The In-Between
She told me it wasn’t common
that I loved flowers as much as I do
Realizing that I am not the norm
Well for a guy she says
I like that about you
A soft kiss onto my beard
That I wear to make sure
you know I’m a man
The masculine presented
Ensuring the feminine repressed
Just like every time my mom asks me
If she can expect grandkids soon
I tell her she can expect it
Luckily I have a brother and a sister
Both following the lead
Of the classic road
Filling the void
As I avoid the queries…
I am queer in so many ways
I wondered how to explain to her
The best way I could
We ended on “if there was no women on earth I would with a man,
I just love women too much”
The only vision of her children is in nuclear families
But maybe that’s why ours
was so toxic and destructive and radioactive
How did I myself realize?
I just met enough straight people to know I’m not them
For sure.
And I’m queer in all my doings,
my career
my friends
my performances
my gender roles in relationships
The amount of comfort I find being the small spoon
Small enough to be decorative
Side note, whichever way you enjoy cuddling
is telling of what you enjoy in the bedroom too,
I enjoy big and small spoon,
vers/switch as they call it…
think about yours!
For years felt the imbalance
with the numb arm
never resting my head on lovers bosoms
Nurtured held
I also enjoy being pursued
to have dinner bought for me too
And my hair brushed softly
And pulled
Patiently pure care for one another
But I date women still
so why is it important to share my queerness?
I can be hidden from
the possibilities of judgment
be among straight passing people
Because this is my truth
the reality of my existence
deserves to be present
In silence takes away
the representation of the in between
The crossroads of the intersectionality
The not this/not that/just so
The goldilocks and three bears
porridge just right
Have a stove and pot to heat it up
to your liking
Customizing our lives
our love to exactly as we need
Cause close enough isn’t enough anymore
So just like my performance, I don’t know how to label what I do,
I wrote miscellaneous—misterlaneous
These checked boxes are too general and generic
These labels geriatric
I am just me
Flowers in my hair
Surrounding me with scentimental aromas
my love and gender and identity
Taking Pride in persistence
We’ve made it
In a space that’s here
to be our big spoon
to hold us wholly
Masculinity femininity infinity
And beyond
Because we are Outta this world.
Original Art by Samantha Dennis @samanthadenniis
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Photo by Andre Saunders @dreygasai
Brockton Writers Series 